The pesky thing about emotions is that there’s no requirement for them to obey any rhyme or reason. Just because you shouldn’t feel an emotion, doesn’t mean you won’t. At The Woodleigh of Baton Rouge, we’ve seen the positive, transformative effects that placing a loved one in a nursing home like ours can have on entire families. People bring their loved ones here knowing those benefits full well. But in the weeks and months leading up to the decision, all the good reasons in the world don’t seem to do a thing to assuage the guilt that many feel. The drive home after bringing a loved one to a nursing home and the weeks and months that follow are often just as emotionally draining, if not more.

Experiencing Guilt

There are ways to cope with this guilt and to move through it. But first and foremost, it’s important to let yourself feel it. We’ve all listened to the reassuring voices of friends and family as they tell us all of the reasons we shouldn’t feel guilty. And while those words often settle in our minds and make sense in time, they don’t do much in the short term.

While our guilt stems from the singular decision to place our loved ones in a nursing home, it is a multi-faceted emotion. We feel guilty bringing a parent to a nursing home because we feel a debt to them for the time they spent caring for us. We feel guilt for that part of us that looks forward to being free of the stress and anxiety of being a caregiver. The decision to place a loved one in a nursing home comes with guilt, as does the decision not to; we may feel as though we’re taking too long to make the decision, and placing our loved one in harm’s way.

This guilt that we feel is often tied to another emotion we may not fully recognize as being present: grief. No matter if your loved one is going to a wonderful nursing home to reunite with old friends, a period of your life is ending, one that may have seen you spending more time with an older loved one, like a parent, than you have in decades. There is a grieving process, and before you can move through it, you need to take some time to be in it. Good advice from friends and family will sink in later. For the time being, it’s okay to be sad.

Coping with Guilt

If it sounds like we’ve got some firsthand experience in this arena, it’s because we do. While you may feel isolated, and exhausted from having the future of your loved one weighing down on you, we promise: You’re not alone. One of the surest ways to understand that is to talk to others in the same situation as yourself. We encourage you to seek out a caregiver support group near you. With the often overwhelming emotions you’re feeling, it can be challenging to share those emotions with someone, no matter how well-intentioned they may be.

In a support group, you don’t have to work at getting people to understand how you feel. Suddenly, you’re surrounded by people going through the same challenges you are, or who have gone those challenges and come through having gained some measure of peace. As you speak with other caregivers, and possibly even aid caregivers newer to the experience than yourself, you begin to form a community, one that can help you find a way to exist with, and move through, your guilt.

Embracing a New Dynamic

One thing a group setting brings is perspective. While the guilt you may feel for your decision to place your loved one in a nursing home can seem overwhelming, it is not unending. The other caregivers who’ve made it through can help show you a path forward. Often, that path begins by remembering why you made the decision to place your loved one in a nursing home in the first place.

Perhaps their health requirements grew to the point where avoiding the nursing home was simply too dangerous a scenario to continue. No matter how much time you spend caregiving or how vigilant you are, you are only one person. Accidents will happen, often followed by a hospital visit and rehabilitation. In a nursing home, your loved one will be watched over by an entire team. If an accident happens, medical staff are onsite to provide aid.

Many times, while acting as caregivers, we often fulfil other needed roles, such as friend, confidante, and disciplinarian. We may feel guilty for any time taken for ourselves because we see ourselves as a lone lifeline for our loved one. But in a nursing home, there are opportunities for new friendships, along with scheduled activities and support from the care team to help form those new friendships.

Make no mistake: You are part of that care team. But there is a world of difference between being a part of the team and being the team. As your body and mind begin to relax, and your insides begin to untangle from a constant state of vigilance and anxiety, you’ll find something you’ve missed begins to return: patience. And freed from a feeling of obligation to serve as their loved one’s sole source of communication, many find themselves enjoying time with their loved ones more than they have in ages.

Your loved one is cared for in a nursing home. They forge new connections. And you get a chance to rest and refresh. We’ve heard from countless friends and family members who say they haven’t had this much fun with their loved one in ages. They can relax and just be there with their loved ones when they visit. Suddenly, there’s room for joy and ease in these interactions that has been missing for a long time.

As you move through your guilt, you can find yourself again, and discover an opportunity to connect with a loved one in a way you may not have thought possible anymore. If you have any questions about the process of placing your loved one in a nursing home, or you’re looking for resources to help you make or cope with the decision, we encourage you to contact The Woodleigh of Baton Rouge at 225-272-1401. We’re here to help you and your loved one begin this new chapter.